(A big Hat Tip to Alyse for sending us this bit of silliness she found circling the Internet. It is a fine list of 98 things that It would be best not to do at [tag]Hogwarts[/tag].)
What Not To Do At Hogwarts

I am writing this essay today, on the 5Th of June, as my detention that I am serving due to my tomfoolery and lack of maturity. I swear on the grave of Salazar Slytherin that I will not attempt these dangerous and unamusing antics ever again as long as I remain in the halls of Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry.

1. I am not to tell Professor Snape to “turn that frown upside down, and you get a beautiful smile”.

2. I am not to refer to Fred and George Weasley as “Thing 1″ and “Thing 2″, respectively.

3. I am not to use anyone’s wands in a game of “Pick up Sticks”. Nor am I to start a game of “I’ll mix your wands up and see if you can identify them.”

4. I am not to dress up the statues in undergarments, muggle jewelry, or paint “Grills” on their teeth.

5. Ties are to be worn around the neck, not used as weapons or slingshots.

6. It is unnecessary for me to scream “Be gone!” when I use the Banishing charm. Nor is it necessary for me to screech, “Come to me!” when I use the Summoning charm.

7. I am not to convince first years that “toe of a firstie” is a main ingredient in Potions. Nor am I to do the same with second years.

8. The Sorting hat is not an accessory. Nor is it appropriate to bribe the Sorting Hat.

9. I am not to imitate Moaning Myrtle whenever someone flushes a toilet.

10. I am to take Death Eaters seriously, and not use the phrase “Posers!!! All of you!!!” when they’re around. Nor am I to refer to them as “Fashion clones.”

11. Making fake dragon eggs and selling them to Hagrid is not acceptable.

12. I am not to refer to Draco Malfoy as “a little boy who just needs a hug”.

13. I shall not refer to smaller students as “My little pretties” in a cackling voice.

14. I am not to try to build a large gingerbread house in the Dark Forest. Nor am I allowed to try to lure small children into it.

15. Whistling the Jeopardy song is not necessary when Professor McGonagall is asking me a question. Nor am I to answer, “Could you repeat that in Mermish?”

16. I am not to give Neville Longbottom fake passwords.

17. There is not, nor was there ever, a fifth house at Hogwarts. Nor am I in that house or the founder of it.

18. I am not to imitate the Durmstrang accent, nor I am to use it while saying, “I am a wiper. I want to wipe your windows,” replacing the “w” with the “v” sound.

19. I am not to sing “Grease” when Professor Snape shakes his head.

20. Because I am not Veela, I will not attempt their dance or attacks.

21. I am not to tell Moaning Myrtle, or any of the other ghosts for that matter, to “Get a life”.

22. I am not to start a “Who can blow up their cauldron first” contest in Potions class.

23. I am not to gasp loudly and/or swoon dramatically when Ron Weasley uses the phrase “Bloody hell.”

24. After the house-elves have waxed the floor, I am not to engage in a game of “Slip and Slide”.

25. I am not to point randomly at the ground during a Quidditch match and scream, “The snitch!!!”

26. I am not to tease Remus Lupin about his “time of the month.”

27. I am not to challenge Moaning Myrtle to a blinking or breathing contest.

28. During the holidays, I am not to suggest to the first years to decorate the Whomping Willow.

29. I am not to start a signing telegram business and then deliver them to the wrong people.

30. I am not to explode more than 5 dungbombs consecutively at the eating table, nor am I to convince others that it is a chocolate covered egg, and perfectly edible.

31. When my Hello Kitty keychain is missing, I am not to tie up students to a chair and interrogate them with Lumos.

32. I am not to paint a mustache, goatee, or horns on the Fat Lady.

33. When the stairs change, it is unnecessary for me to sink to my knees, wailing in agony, and/or scream, “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!”

34. It is unnecessary for me to go to the Halloween Ball dressed as a Basilisk, nor is it appropriate to stun people and say that it’s “part of the costume”.

35. I am not to use the Floo System to play a game of “Ultimate Tag”.

36. I am not to refer to Professor McGonagall as “G-girl”, “Mickey”, or “M-Dogg”.

37. I am not to set up the teachers on random blind dates.

38. I am not to replace the Golden Snitch with the “Golden Bludger”.

39. When seeing a Hufflepuff, it is not necessary to yell, “I shall huffle, I shall puffle, and I shall BLOW your house in!!!”

40. I am not to throw buckets of water on random girls to see if they will melt.

41. I am not to give my owl a bubble bath in Professor Dumbledore’s pensieve. The Pensieve also does not need to be washed with the other dishes.

42. I am not to pretend to speak Parseltongue to creep people out, nor am I to release poisonous snakes in the school grounds to see if I can control them.

43. I am not to recite witch burning stories to first years at night.

44. I am not to sing “Do you believe in Magic” and encourage others to sing along.

45. I am not to wear “Promote Deatheater Welfare” badges.

46. Muggle air conditioning should not be replaced with “freezing random objects”.

47. I am not to use the Banishing charm to get rid of my vegetables, nor am I to use the Accio charm to summon the last slice of pie.

48. “Oh my Godric!” (used in an unnaturally high voice) Does not count as a suitable curse.

49. I am not to refer to Salazar Slytherin as “Silly Sally”.

50. During free period, it is unwise to spend all of my time trying to come up with something that rhymes with Professor Dumbledore’s last name.

51. I am not to use the Impedimento curse to make my enemies late for class.

52. I am not to give orthodontic counseling to Neville Longbottom and Marcus Flint.

53. The “Sparkle Charm” (shooting random sparkles out of my wand) doesn’t count as an actual charm.

54. I shall not refer to Lord Voldemort as “Little old Voldie”.

55. I am not to try to convert Hermione Granger into a “girly girl”.

56. When I have a cold, I am not to Transfigure the nearest thing into a tissue box, be it a student or teacher.

57.I am not to lock Slytherins and Gryffindors into a room and make bets on who comes out alive.

58. I am not to use the telescopes in Astronomy to examine someone’s nose hair.

59. I am not to feed the Giant Squid on enlarging potions.

60. I am no longer allowed to make Sirius/serious puns.

61. I will not sing “We’re Off To See The Wizard” when sent to the headmaster’s office.

62. I will not refer to the Dark Lord as Lord Moldyfart or Lord Voldy

63. I will not ask Snape if he will go to the muggle prom with me.

64. I will not sing ‘I believe I can Fly’ when riding a broom.

65. I will not insist our lives are based on a series of books by a muggle named J.K.Rowling

66. I will not ask Hagrid when his babies are due nor will I suggest Jenny Craig.

67. I will not send a tape of the fat lady singing to American Idol.

68. I will not make my wand grow 30 feet so I can poke Draco Malfoy.

69. I will not all Lucius Malfoy Moptop, nor will I call Weasley Carrottop.

70. I will not transfigure pansy parkinson into a pug, nor draco malfoy into a ferret, or potter into a pot, or weasley into a weasel, nor granger into a ball of fluff, nor crabbe into a crab, nor goyle into a gargoyle, nor snape into a snake, etc.

71. I am not to suggest to professor Trelawney that she get a Magic 8 ball to improve her fortune telling skills.

72.I am not to ask Draco Malfoy if I may borrow his hair straightener.

73. I am not allowed to bewitch Hogwarts students to make an Ultimate Harry Potter Video Game.

74.I may not tell 1st years that there is a treasure in the bottom of the Black Lake, in hopes that they will be eaten by the Giant Squid.

75. I am not to call the Headmaster Dumbleadoradble when he looks nice.

76. I am not to convince the ghosts to stand in the suits of armor an yell at first years.

77. I’m not alowed to refer to Professor Dumbledore as Professor Dumbledork.

78. I’m not allowed to play hide-and-seek with ghosts.

79. I am not to tell first years to look out for flying houses and/or tornados.

80. I am not to convince first years that I have a fleet of flying monkeys and that if they don’t do as I say, I will unleash them on the castle.

81. I will not sing ‘Bibbity Boppity Boo’ when McGonnagal tries to teach

82. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money making concept

83. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

84. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry who died and made him boss

85. I will not call Dumbledore Santa during the holidays

86. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

87. I will not use Professor Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I’m hardcore”

88. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticualted python, snow leopard, tasmanian devil or pirahna

89. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting a spell and shout “I have the power!”

90. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”

91. I will not put a ‘kick me’ sign on Draco Malfoy’s back

92. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

93. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell “Pwned!”

94. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

95. Seamus Finnigan is not “after me Lucky Charms”

96. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

97. I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”

98. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda