(Continuing with our theme of Star Wars this week, we offer you this interesting job req. How do the Sith go about recruiting, do you think? Can you imagine the interview process? We here at the Silliness Lair are also forced to wonder if they get dental coverage. In any case, enjoy this silliness that arrived in our inbox.)

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side

Consulting Group
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include:
Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master’s planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages.

Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.

The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them holographically to: http://www.jobs@darkside.com
**********************************************************************

Dark Side CG ™ is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy.

We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise.

Our partnered organizations include the:
Imperial Senate
The Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine
and many large software companies.

(Well, we’ve had a week of Lord of the Rings, and now we are moving on to a week of Star Wars-related posts. What better way to begin, than with an extraordinarily silly comparison? This list has been around the internet a time or two, and now it appears here. Enjoy!)

Reasons Why [tag]Star Wars[/tag] Is Better Than [tag]Titanic[/tag]

Titanic’s big, but it doesn’t have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can’t say “Look at the size of that thing!” and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed “kings of the world”?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

“I’d rather be his whore than your wife” just doesn’t have the same sting as “I’d rather kiss a Wookie.”

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could’ve anticipated “Luke… I am your father”?

Han Solo would’ve missed the dang iceberg!

(This is one of those e-mails that circles the Internet endlessly…or so it seems. We here in the Lair of Silliness have encountered different versions of it for years. That doesn’t stop us from enjoying them, though. We’re dreading the “you know you grew up in the ’00s when…” e-mails. Enjoy the list, Karate Kid.)

You are a product of the ‘[tag]80s[/tag] if …

-You know what “Psyche”(Sike) means.
-You know the profound meaning of “Wax On, Wax Off”.
-You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer”.
-You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack.
-You know who Tina Yothers is.
-You wanted to be a Goonie.
-You know who Max Headroom is.
-You ever wore Flourescent, neon clothing.
-You could breakdance, or wished you could.
-You wanted to dress like the Hulk at Halloween.
-You believed that “By the Power of Greyskull,” you HAD the POWER.
-You thought partying “like it’s 1999″ seemed sooo far away.
-You knew that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
-You wanted to be on Star Search.
-You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
-You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
-You owned a doll with “Xavier Roberts” signed on its butt, or knew someone who did.
-You knew what Willis was “talkin’ ’bout”.
-You HAD to have your MTV.
-You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future”
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
-You have heard of “Garbage Pail Kids”.
-You remember when “punks” actually shocked people
-You knew “The Artist”, back when he was humbly called “Prince”
. -You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played “Sam” to be.
-You remember when ATARI was a state-of-the-art video game.
-You bought cassettes instead of LPs.
-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
-You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from Pizza Hut, or any other
collection of glass they came out with.
-Poltergeist freaked you out.
-You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
-You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
-You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish,or know someone who did.
-You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three.
-You had a crush on one of the Corey’s (Haim or Feldman).
-You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear.
-You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
-You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
-You know what a “Whammee” is.
-You had a crush on Jon BonJovi, or knew someone who did.
-You thought eating Reeses Pieces would attract your own Alien.
-Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
-You have ever called 867-5309.
-You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall.
-You held the top score on PacMan.

IF you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend are a child of the 80′s.

(This is a classic bit of slightly naughty humor that has been circling the internet for years and has recently re-appeared in our inbox. It’s still hilarious. Our favorite one? “I find your lack of pants disturbing.” Enjoy!)

25 Lines from [tag]Star Wars[/tag] that can be improved if you substitute the word “Pants”.

1) A tremor in my pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2) You are unwise to lower your [tag]pants[/tag].

3) We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4) She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5) These pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.

6) I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7) These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!

9) General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10) I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11) TK-421. . . Why aren’t you in your pants?

12) Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.

13) Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14) You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15) Luke. . . Help me take…these pants off.

16) Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17) That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!

18) Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19) Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.

20) Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21) Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22) Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23) Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24) I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25) You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.

(This is a parody of Baz Lurhman’s “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen” that has been circling the Internet for years. Gotta love the [tag]Star Trek[/tag] version…)

[tag]Everybody’s Free (To Wear Phasers)[/tag]

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2008: Wear phasers.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, phasers would be it. The long term benefits of phasers have been probed by federation scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering voyages. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your ship. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your ship until it’s
vaporized above the genesis planet. But believe me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of your ship and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you looked in the big chair.

You are not as infallible as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the transporter. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to penetrate the galactic barrier by sipping saurian brandy. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at stardate 4524.76 in some idle quadrant.

Do one thing every day that scares your crew.

Seek out strange new civilizations.

Don’t be reckless with your security officers. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with theirs.

Boldly go where no man has gone before.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only
with the Klingons.

Remember the prime directive. Forget the regulations. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old starcharts. Throw away your M5.

Time travel.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your career. The most Interesting officers I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do in starfleet. Some of the most interesting captains I know still don’t know.

Get plenty of Dilythium. Be kind to your warp engines. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll be admiral by 40; maybe you’ll dance with Orion slavegirls on your ship’s 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half logic. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what sexstarved alien women think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance naked, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your ready room.

Read the regs, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read tech manuals. They will only make you feel stupid.

Get to know your crew. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your ship’s computer. It’s your best link to your past and will help you automate the ship when the crew’s reduced to salt crystals.

Understand that officers come and go, but a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in stellar geography and alien lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the officers who knew you when you were young.

Live in the Klingon Empire once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live on Bajor once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Cross the neutral zone.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Starfleet will quote policy. Captains will philander. You, too, will get old. And then you too will fantasize that when you were young, Starfleet was reasonable, Captains were noble, and officers respected the prime directive. Respect the prime directive.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a fully charged phaser bank. Maybe you have a commodore on board. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look like 85.

Be careful whose refit you buy, but be patient with those who Captain it.

A shakedown cruise is a form of nostalgia. Refitting your ship is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more that it’s worth.

But trust me on the phasers.

(A hat tip to Thomas for sending this bit of silliness our way. The folks in the Silliness Lair would like to make it known that they are not addicted to the Net. It was just that they heard the new e-mail notification on the way back to bed. And chicks dig the tattoo. Enjoy!)

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU’RE ADDICTED TO THE NET

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Mozilla Firefox 2.0 or higher.”
8. You name your children Lynx, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with dial-up connections.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP’s access number.You try to hum to communicate with the modem….. you succeed.

(A Hat Tip goes out to Jen for sending us this bit of silliness she found circling the Internet. We always enjoy posting silly things that offend everyone equally. Would that make us Offensive Switzerland? Without the watches and chocolate, of course. Either way, enjoy a few giggles at the expense of other states. )

[tag]Rude State Slogans[/tag]

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes … Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes … And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl … It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family … Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men … and the sheep are nervous !!!

(A hat tip to Michele for sending this bit of silliness she found circling the Internet to our inbox. We’ve no idea where these headlines originated, or if they are real. And frankly, we don’t care. These headlines are very snicker-worthy. We *really* wanted to make snarky comments about each one, but we managed to restrain ourselves. Barely. Enjoy! )

BEST [tag]NEWSPAPER HEADLINES[/tag] EVER
—————————–

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

(A hat tip to MKE for sending us this bit of sexist humour she found circling the internet. Hey, we never said that we were PC, just silly.)

[tag]The Whys of Men[/tag]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)

( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

(A Hat Tip to Joe for sending us this bit of silliness that he found circling the internet. We knew that there had to be laws governing cat behaviour somewhere.)

[tag]Einstein[/tag]‘s Theory Of [tag]Cat Behaviour[/tag]

LAW OF CAT INERTIA – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE – As yet undiscovered.