(A Hat Tip to Jen for sending us this decidedly not PC e-mail she received. Hey, it even has swearing. Now we just need to search for something to balance it out. Enjoy!)

Things You’ll Never Hear Men Say
===============================
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. Her tits are just too big.

4. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on “Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.

6. Sure, I’d love to wear a condom.

7. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.

8. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Ally

9. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.

10. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need more tampons?

11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

12. I’m sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

13. Great, your mother’s coming to stay with us again.

14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she’s getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.

15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It’s my turn.

16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don’t look at them any more.

17. I understand.

18. This movie has too much nudity.

19. Damn, we’re late for church!

20. No, I don’t want to see your sister’s tits.

21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

22. Put some panties on for Christ’s sake

One of the most annoying questions in the Universe is: Why aren’t you married yet? Today we offer you some comebacks for the next time someone asks you.

Comebacks To The Question: “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”

1. I’m still auditing the role of spouse.
2. No one I’ve met seems to be THAT stupid.
3. You haven’t asked yet.
4. Do you do EVERYTHING that’s trendy?
5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
6. Uh, check, please!
7. Because I just love hearing this question.
8. Just lucky, I guess.
9. It gives my mother something to live for.
10. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
11. I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
12. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
13. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
14. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
15. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
16. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
17. My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
18. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
19. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
20. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
21. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
22. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
23. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
24. Why aren’t you thin?
25. My boy/girlfriends would never understand.
26. I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
27. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Have you ever wondered how life would change if we had Klingons working alongside us? You’d be really careful that you had ten items or less in that check out line, wouldn’t you?

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if there was a [tag]Klingon[/tag] [tag]Programmer[/tag] on the staff

12) “Specifications are for the weak and timid!”

11) “This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!”

10) “You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.”

9) “Indentation?! – I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!”

“What is this talk of ‘release?’ Klingons do not make software ‘releases.’ Our software ‘escapes,’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.”

7) “Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ – they have ‘arguments’ — and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.”

6) “Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.”

5) “I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.”

4) “A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!”

3) “By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!”

2) “You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!”

And, the No. 1 thing most likely to be heard if Klingons were programmers:

1) “Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!”

(This arrived in our inbox a while back. We feel that these rules will never stop being true. Enjoy!)

The Rules of Chocolate

* If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

* If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

* But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

* Money talks. Chocolate sings.

* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

* Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

* If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

* Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

(A Hat Tip to Jen for sending us these hilarious lightbulb jokes. We’ve never seen ones that were so very specific before. Stand by for snarkiness!)

[tag]University of California[/tag] [tag]Lightbulb Jokes[/tag]:

How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.
*******************

How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
*******************

How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Davis doesn’t have electricity.
*******************

How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
*******************

How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
*******************

How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.
*******************

How many UC Riverside students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Riverside looks better in the dark.
*******************

How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hire the undocumented worker mowing the lawn to do it for them.
*******************

How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: She holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around her.

With a Hat Tip to Danielle for sending this our way, we offer you a bit of silliness for a stressful time of year. Admit it. You feel like using these phrases occasionally, don’t you?

Expressions For a Woman’s High Stress Days

1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
6. Allow me to introduce my selves.
7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
9. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
10. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
13. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic & disorder – my work here is done.
20. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
21. Earth is full. Go home.
22. Is it time for your medication or mine?
23. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
24. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
25. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

(A Hat tip to Dianne for sending this to our inbox. Cluelessness on this scale is just plain silly. Obviously, someone didn’t do their homework. We hope that this isn’t a true story. Either way, enjoy.)

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by bright of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I am sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?”

He got the loan.

(This is another of those bits of silliness that have been circling the Internet for a while. Age doesn’t seem to have dimmed the humor, though. Enjoy!)

Peter Marshall’s List of Favorite Answers From “[tag]HOLLYWOOD SQUARES[/tag]“

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He’s out of town.

2. What are “dual-purpose cattle” good for that other cattle aren’t?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk…and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.

3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

4. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

7. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

8. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

9. You’re on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

10. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

11. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

12. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

13. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

14. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

15. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

16. Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

17. Question: Do we get heat from stars?
PAUL LYNDE: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.

18. What is it that one should NEVER do during sex?
PAUL : Point and laugh!

(A big Hat Tip to Alyse for sending us this bit of silliness she found circling the Internet. It is a fine list of 98 things that It would be best not to do at [tag]Hogwarts[/tag].)
What Not To Do At Hogwarts

I am writing this essay today, on the 5Th of June, as my detention that I am serving due to my tomfoolery and lack of maturity. I swear on the grave of Salazar Slytherin that I will not attempt these dangerous and unamusing antics ever again as long as I remain in the halls of Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry.

1. I am not to tell Professor Snape to “turn that frown upside down, and you get a beautiful smile”.

2. I am not to refer to Fred and George Weasley as “Thing 1″ and “Thing 2″, respectively.

3. I am not to use anyone’s wands in a game of “Pick up Sticks”. Nor am I to start a game of “I’ll mix your wands up and see if you can identify them.”

4. I am not to dress up the statues in undergarments, muggle jewelry, or paint “Grills” on their teeth.

5. Ties are to be worn around the neck, not used as weapons or slingshots.

6. It is unnecessary for me to scream “Be gone!” when I use the Banishing charm. Nor is it necessary for me to screech, “Come to me!” when I use the Summoning charm.

7. I am not to convince first years that “toe of a firstie” is a main ingredient in Potions. Nor am I to do the same with second years.

8. The Sorting hat is not an accessory. Nor is it appropriate to bribe the Sorting Hat.

9. I am not to imitate Moaning Myrtle whenever someone flushes a toilet.

10. I am to take Death Eaters seriously, and not use the phrase “Posers!!! All of you!!!” when they’re around. Nor am I to refer to them as “Fashion clones.”

11. Making fake dragon eggs and selling them to Hagrid is not acceptable.

12. I am not to refer to Draco Malfoy as “a little boy who just needs a hug”.

13. I shall not refer to smaller students as “My little pretties” in a cackling voice.

14. I am not to try to build a large gingerbread house in the Dark Forest. Nor am I allowed to try to lure small children into it.

15. Whistling the Jeopardy song is not necessary when Professor McGonagall is asking me a question. Nor am I to answer, “Could you repeat that in Mermish?”

16. I am not to give Neville Longbottom fake passwords.

17. There is not, nor was there ever, a fifth house at Hogwarts. Nor am I in that house or the founder of it.

18. I am not to imitate the Durmstrang accent, nor I am to use it while saying, “I am a wiper. I want to wipe your windows,” replacing the “w” with the “v” sound.

19. I am not to sing “Grease” when Professor Snape shakes his head.

20. Because I am not Veela, I will not attempt their dance or attacks.

21. I am not to tell Moaning Myrtle, or any of the other ghosts for that matter, to “Get a life”.

22. I am not to start a “Who can blow up their cauldron first” contest in Potions class.

23. I am not to gasp loudly and/or swoon dramatically when Ron Weasley uses the phrase “Bloody hell.”

24. After the house-elves have waxed the floor, I am not to engage in a game of “Slip and Slide”.

25. I am not to point randomly at the ground during a Quidditch match and scream, “The snitch!!!”

26. I am not to tease Remus Lupin about his “time of the month.”

27. I am not to challenge Moaning Myrtle to a blinking or breathing contest.

28. During the holidays, I am not to suggest to the first years to decorate the Whomping Willow.

29. I am not to start a signing telegram business and then deliver them to the wrong people.

30. I am not to explode more than 5 dungbombs consecutively at the eating table, nor am I to convince others that it is a chocolate covered egg, and perfectly edible.

31. When my Hello Kitty keychain is missing, I am not to tie up students to a chair and interrogate them with Lumos.

32. I am not to paint a mustache, goatee, or horns on the Fat Lady.

33. When the stairs change, it is unnecessary for me to sink to my knees, wailing in agony, and/or scream, “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!”

34. It is unnecessary for me to go to the Halloween Ball dressed as a Basilisk, nor is it appropriate to stun people and say that it’s “part of the costume”.

35. I am not to use the Floo System to play a game of “Ultimate Tag”.

36. I am not to refer to Professor McGonagall as “G-girl”, “Mickey”, or “M-Dogg”.

37. I am not to set up the teachers on random blind dates.

38. I am not to replace the Golden Snitch with the “Golden Bludger”.

39. When seeing a Hufflepuff, it is not necessary to yell, “I shall huffle, I shall puffle, and I shall BLOW your house in!!!”

40. I am not to throw buckets of water on random girls to see if they will melt.

41. I am not to give my owl a bubble bath in Professor Dumbledore’s pensieve. The Pensieve also does not need to be washed with the other dishes.

42. I am not to pretend to speak Parseltongue to creep people out, nor am I to release poisonous snakes in the school grounds to see if I can control them.

43. I am not to recite witch burning stories to first years at night.

44. I am not to sing “Do you believe in Magic” and encourage others to sing along.

45. I am not to wear “Promote Deatheater Welfare” badges.

46. Muggle air conditioning should not be replaced with “freezing random objects”.

47. I am not to use the Banishing charm to get rid of my vegetables, nor am I to use the Accio charm to summon the last slice of pie.

48. “Oh my Godric!” (used in an unnaturally high voice) Does not count as a suitable curse.

49. I am not to refer to Salazar Slytherin as “Silly Sally”.

50. During free period, it is unwise to spend all of my time trying to come up with something that rhymes with Professor Dumbledore’s last name.

51. I am not to use the Impedimento curse to make my enemies late for class.

52. I am not to give orthodontic counseling to Neville Longbottom and Marcus Flint.

53. The “Sparkle Charm” (shooting random sparkles out of my wand) doesn’t count as an actual charm.

54. I shall not refer to Lord Voldemort as “Little old Voldie”.

55. I am not to try to convert Hermione Granger into a “girly girl”.

56. When I have a cold, I am not to Transfigure the nearest thing into a tissue box, be it a student or teacher.

57.I am not to lock Slytherins and Gryffindors into a room and make bets on who comes out alive.

58. I am not to use the telescopes in Astronomy to examine someone’s nose hair.

59. I am not to feed the Giant Squid on enlarging potions.

60. I am no longer allowed to make Sirius/serious puns.

61. I will not sing “We’re Off To See The Wizard” when sent to the headmaster’s office.

62. I will not refer to the Dark Lord as Lord Moldyfart or Lord Voldy

63. I will not ask Snape if he will go to the muggle prom with me.

64. I will not sing ‘I believe I can Fly’ when riding a broom.

65. I will not insist our lives are based on a series of books by a muggle named J.K.Rowling

66. I will not ask Hagrid when his babies are due nor will I suggest Jenny Craig.

67. I will not send a tape of the fat lady singing to American Idol.

68. I will not make my wand grow 30 feet so I can poke Draco Malfoy.

69. I will not all Lucius Malfoy Moptop, nor will I call Weasley Carrottop.

70. I will not transfigure pansy parkinson into a pug, nor draco malfoy into a ferret, or potter into a pot, or weasley into a weasel, nor granger into a ball of fluff, nor crabbe into a crab, nor goyle into a gargoyle, nor snape into a snake, etc.

71. I am not to suggest to professor Trelawney that she get a Magic 8 ball to improve her fortune telling skills.

72.I am not to ask Draco Malfoy if I may borrow his hair straightener.

73. I am not allowed to bewitch Hogwarts students to make an Ultimate Harry Potter Video Game.

74.I may not tell 1st years that there is a treasure in the bottom of the Black Lake, in hopes that they will be eaten by the Giant Squid.

75. I am not to call the Headmaster Dumbleadoradble when he looks nice.

76. I am not to convince the ghosts to stand in the suits of armor an yell at first years.

77. I’m not alowed to refer to Professor Dumbledore as Professor Dumbledork.

78. I’m not allowed to play hide-and-seek with ghosts.

79. I am not to tell first years to look out for flying houses and/or tornados.

80. I am not to convince first years that I have a fleet of flying monkeys and that if they don’t do as I say, I will unleash them on the castle.

81. I will not sing ‘Bibbity Boppity Boo’ when McGonnagal tries to teach

82. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money making concept

83. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

84. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry who died and made him boss

85. I will not call Dumbledore Santa during the holidays

86. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

87. I will not use Professor Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I’m hardcore”

88. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticualted python, snow leopard, tasmanian devil or pirahna

89. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting a spell and shout “I have the power!”

90. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for”

91. I will not put a ‘kick me’ sign on Draco Malfoy’s back

92. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

93. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell “Pwned!”

94. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

95. Seamus Finnigan is not “after me Lucky Charms”

96. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

97. I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”

98. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda

(A big Hat Tip to Dianne for sending us this bit of silliness. Kids always provide the most amusing lines. The first one has to be our favorite, though.)

Why We Love Kids

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ”

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”