(Here’s another classic bit of silliness that made its way to our inbox. The jokes run the gamut from puns to offensive. Enjoy!)

A collection of one liners

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What is a zebra?
An undergarment that’s 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.

Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the Post Office?
They’re hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why do a pilgrim’s pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Damn.” A bad skydiver goes, “Damn.” WHACK!

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting!

How are a Texas tornado and a Texas divorce the same?
Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

(This classic bit of silliness arrived in our inbox a while back. It seems to have originated in the UK somewhere. Many thanks to the person who originally typed it in and sent it on its way.)
Silly Signs

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LOUTS AND VANDALS WE JUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

(This bit of silliness can probably speak for itself. A hat tip to Elisa for sending it our way. We are much amused. Queen Victoria might have even agreed.)

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________

IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DL#________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing..

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating. (see below)

Daddy’s Rules for Dating – Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy) :

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them..

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are very okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

(This [tag]Saturday Night Live[/tag] classic has been circling the Internet for years now. Now, it has finally washed up here. Enjoy!)

[tag]Happy Fun Ball[/tag]!
(kids)
It’s Happy! It’s Fun! It’s Happy Fun Ball!

(announcer)
Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball, the toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Only 14.95 at participating
stores! Get one Today

(background voice)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid
core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy
Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

* Itching
* Vertigo
* Dizziness
* Tingling in extremities
* Loss of balance or coordination
* Slurred speech
* Temporary blindness
* Profuse Sweating
* Heart palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration.
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent
company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from
outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes
on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

(announcer)
Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!

(A big hat tip to Dianne who found this bit of silliness circling the internet and sent it to our inbox. We are particularly fond of #7 “Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.” It is certainly a rule that we live by. Enjoy! )

[tag]Rules to Live By[/tag]
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

(In honour of National Poetry Month, we offer you another round of Cat Haiku. These certainly seem to contain some keen insights. What do you mean your cat is in the way of the screen?)

[tag]Cat Haiku[/tag]

You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning

Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then –
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds –
Your foot just squashed one

You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s a ‘term paper’?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don’t leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws?
Don’t even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren’t that sharp …

Cats meow out of angst
“Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!”

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I’ll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for “Cup Hockey”

We’re almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

(This bit of classic intellectual humour has been circling the internet for some time…looking for a place to land. So, it is pausing here for you to ponder [tag]philosophy[/tag] when combined with the Jerry Springer Show. Enjoy!)

“I have a philosophical secret!” (The Lowest-Rated [tag]Jerry Springer Show[/tag] Ever)

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry: Today’s guests are here because they can’t agree on fundamental philosophical principles. I’d like to welcome Todd to the show.
(Todd enters from backstage.)

Jerry: Hello, Todd.
Todd: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you’re here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it’s been nothing but fighting ever since.

Jerry: Why is that?
Todd: You see, Jerry, I’m a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the “I” or ego is the foundation of all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.

Crowd: Ooooohhhh!

Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we’re through. I just can’t go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn’t believe I exist.

Jerry: Well, you’re going to get your chance. Here’s Ursula!
(Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.)

Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!
(She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.)
Ursula: Don’t listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!

Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don’t try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That’s how it’s been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative. “You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.” “Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula.”

Crowd: Booo! Booo!

Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don’t you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?

Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!
Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it’s like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It’s terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That’s why we never do it any more.

Crowd: Wooooo!

Ursula: You liar! Why don’t you tell them how you haven’t been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn’t decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?

Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Ursula: It’s true!

Jerry: Well, I don’t think we’re going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make!

(Louis and Tina come onstage.)
(Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.)

Jerry: Tina, you are… (reads cards) … an existentialist, is that right?
Tina: That’s right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.

Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him…
Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him.

Crowd hushes.

Tina: Louis… I’ve loved you for a long time…
Louis: I love you, too, Tina.

Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but…well, I just want to tell you I’ve been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don’t think I can agree with your egalitarian politics any more.

Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!

Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40’s.
Tina: But he didn’t take into account Nietzsche’s radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I’m sorry. I can’t ignore the contradiction any longer!

Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn’t you? Didn’t you?
Tina: Don’t you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!
Louis: (sobbing) I couldn’t help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!

Jerry: We’ve got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out…Victor!
(Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.)

Victor: Louis, you’re a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!
Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!
Victor: Herd animal!
Louis: Lackey!
(Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle.)
(The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.)

Jerry: Okay, okay. It’s time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.

Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche’s doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn’t that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with with the fundamental principles of existentialism?

Tina: No! No! It doesn’t. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It’s a question of Becoming, not Being.

Audience member: That’s just disguised essentialism! You’re no existentialist!
Tina: I am so!
Audience member: You’re no existentialist!
Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!
(Ursula stands and interjects.)
Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!

(Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.)
Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, bitch!
Tina: You the bitch!
Ursula: No, you the bitch!
Tina: Whatever! Whatever!

Jerry: We’ll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!

(Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.)

Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and say that I hope you’re able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.
(turns to the camera)
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we’re reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It’s not pretty. If you’re in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it’s time to move on. Find someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that’s all we’re all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves — and each other.

Announcer: Be sure to tune in next time, when KKK strippers battle it out with transvestite omnisexual porn stars! Tomorrow on Springer!

(With a huge Hat Tip to Mr. Grahame, we offer you this bit of silliness that he forwarded to our inbox. It’s another one that might offend folks, but at least it will do it equally.)

Stop it…

Suppose you’re traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign with his bumper, ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.

3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn’t take it too seriously, he doesn’t feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

4. An average Catholic doesn’t bother to read the sign, but he’ll stop if the car in front of him does.

5. A fundamentalist, allowing the text to interpret itself, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

6. A suburban preacher looks up “STOP” in his lexicons of English and discovers that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: 1) Take another route to work that doesn’t have a stop sign so that he doesn’t run the risk of disobeying the Law 2) Stop at the stop sign, say “Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop,” wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: “Be still, and know that I am God.” R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: “Stop, father!” In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: “Out of the mouth of babes.” R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: “Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens.” R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: “let them serve as signs.” R. Yeshuah says: … [continues for three more pages]

8. A Karaite does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.

9. A Unitarian concludes that the passage “STOP” undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.

10. A divinity professor notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called “Q”. There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar’s commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently
forgot to explain what the text means.

11. A tenured divinity professor points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage “STOP”. For example, “ST” contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas “OP” contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the “O” and the “P”.

12. A rival scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglects to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.

13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, a later scholar emends the text, changing “T” to “H”. “SHOP” is much easier to understand in context than “STOP” because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because “SHOP” is so similar to “STOP” on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.

(We would like to send a huge Hat Tip to Bernie for passing along this bit of silliness to our inbox. We would like to point out that the events contained…could possibly happen. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Why Women Should Not Take Husbands Shopping

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Target.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘ PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position andscreamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least …

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

Regards,
Target

(A Hat Tip to Jen for sending us this wee silly joke. Enjoy!)
Medicine in the UK

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!
Aboon them a’ ye your place
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”

Tony, being somewhat confused, goes to the next patient and greets him.
He replies:

“Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit”.

The third patient starts rattling off as follows :

“Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!”

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, “What sort of ward is this? A mental ward?”

“No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the Burns unit”