Silliness.org

Application to Date My Daughter

(This bit of silliness can probably speak for itself. A hat tip to Elisa for sending it our way. We are much amused. Queen Victoria might have even agreed.)

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________

IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DL#________________

BOY SCOUT RANK & BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing..

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating. (see below)

Daddy’s Rules for Dating - Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy) :

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them..

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are very okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

2 comments May 27th, 2008

Eddie Izzard on Star Trek

No, he’s not on the show, but that would be brilliant, wouldn’t it? In this fabulous comedy bit, Eddie Izzard discusses Star Trek. It would seem that he’s seen the original show before, and he has a few amusing insights to share.

Eddie Izzard, Star Trek

Add comment March 21st, 2008

Things You’ll Never Hear Men Say

(A Hat Tip to Jen for sending us this decidedly not PC e-mail she received. Hey, it even has swearing. Now we just need to search for something to balance it out. Enjoy!)

Things You’ll Never Hear Men Say
===============================
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. Her tits are just too big.

4. Sometimes I just want to be held.

5. That chick on “Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.

6. Sure, I’d love to wear a condom.

7. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.

8. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Ally

9. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.

10. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need more tampons?

11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

12. I’m sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

13. Great, your mother’s coming to stay with us again.

14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she’s getting ready for bed?. Maybe I should tell her.

15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It’s my turn.

16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don’t look at them any more.

17. I understand.

18. This movie has too much nudity.

19. Damn, we’re late for church!

20. No, I don’t want to see your sister’s tits.

21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

22. Put some panties on for Christ’s sake

2 comments January 22nd, 2008

Comebacks To The Question: “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”

One of the most annoying questions in the Universe is: Why aren’t you married yet? Today we offer you some comebacks for the next time someone asks you.

Comebacks To The Question: “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”

1. I’m still auditing the role of spouse.
2. No one I’ve met seems to be THAT stupid.
3. You haven’t asked yet.
4. Do you do EVERYTHING that’s trendy?
5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
6. Uh, check, please!
7. Because I just love hearing this question.
8. Just lucky, I guess.
9. It gives my mother something to live for.
10. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
11. I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
12. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
13. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
14. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
15. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
16. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
17. My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
18. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
19. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
20. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
21. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
22. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
23. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
24. Why aren’t you thin?
25. My boy/girlfriends would never understand.
26. I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
27. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Add comment January 15th, 2008

Why We Love Kids

(A big Hat Tip to Dianne for sending us this bit of silliness. Kids always provide the most amusing lines. The first one has to be our favorite, though.)

Why We Love Kids

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ”

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.” (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

Add comment November 25th, 2007

Proof That Girls Are Evil

We here at the Lair of Silliness are equal opportunity offenders. As such, today we offer you proof that girls are evil. Yes, it’s a mathematical proof. Enjoy!

(A hat tip to Spunk of The New Australian for sending us the link. )

Lair of Silliness, girls are evil, The New Australian

Add comment October 8th, 2007

The Whys of Men

(A hat tip to MKE for sending us this bit of sexist humour she found circling the internet. Hey, we never said that we were PC, just silly.)

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)

( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

The Whys of Men

Add comment October 7th, 2007

Man vs. Woman

At last someone has hit upon the truth! Check out the real differences between men and women. Seriously. We here at the Lair of Silliness believe that about explains it.

(A hat tip to Spunk of the New Australian for sending us this silly link.)

men, women

Add comment October 1st, 2007